#105. Saying No Without the Spiral
Episode Shownotes:
Let’s talk about the tiny word that wrecks your nervous system: No.
If you freeze, over-explain, or panic-text your friends anytime you set a boundary--welcome! You’re in good company. And this episode? It's your crash course in how to say no without the emotional hangover.
Because spoiler: it’s not about just “being more assertive.” It’s about shifting the belief that saying yes is how you earn approval, acceptance, or worth.
Inside This Episode:
Why your brain thinks saying yes = being a “good SLP”
The sneaky reason you backtrack after you say no
The secret strategy I use before saying "yes" or "no"
Scripts you can steal to say no with clarity (and without spiraling)
What your tone reveals — even when you say the “right” words
Why someone else’s disappointment isn’t your responsibility
Quick Takeaways:
Boundaries aren’t selfish — they’re leadership.
Saying no doesn’t make you less valuable. It protects your energy to serve where it matters most.
A clear “no” is kinder than an exhausted “yes.”
Listen: If you’ve ever thought:
“It’s just easier to say yes and deal with it later.”
“I feel so guilty when I say no… maybe I should just make it work.”
“I don’t want them to think I’m not a team player.”
🚨 Before you listen to this one, make sure you’ve caught Episode 104 on your Values + Needs. That episode sets you up for why your boundaries matter so much in the first place.
📆 Next week: We wrap the burnout series with the hardest conversation of all: What do you do when your job and your values don’t match? (You’re gonna want a notebook for that one.)
💁🏼♀️ Ready to practice this work in real life?
Book a free consult and let's talk. No pressure. No spirals. Just clarity.
Mentioned in This Episode:
Episode #104: The Missing Piece in Work-Life Balance: Values and Needs
Come join the SLP Support Group on Facebook for more tips and tricks!
Learn more about Theresa Harp Coaching here.
Episode Transcript*:
Welcome to Work-Life Balance for Speech Pathologists. I’m Theresa Harp, an SLP and productivity coach, and this podcast is all about how to build a successful career as an SLP and still have time for yourself and the people and things you love. So if you’re ready to ditch stress and burnout for a more balanced and fulfilling life, then you are in the right place. Let’s dive in.
Hey, SLPs, welcome back to the show. This episode is for my people pleasers. I am, I think, maybe four episodes into a burnout series. I don't know, I'm batch recording. I'm not sure exactly when these are coming out, and it's easy to get lost in time when you batch record. Podcast it with podcast episodes. So anyway, at some point this will be coming out.
I'm not sure when, but this episode is gonna [00:01:00] be a great one. So buckle up, because I'm talking about saying no. I'm talking about saying no without a complete shame spiral. Okay. That's what we're talking about. So if you struggle. To set boundaries and hold them. If you struggle to say no. Or if you say no, and then you instantly feel the urge to go back and make it a yes or to soften it like, oh, I'm so sorry.
I really wish I could, I just, I've got a lot going on. Maybe next week or, I don't know. Let me see. Let me look at my schedule, see if I could shift a few things. If you're no. Comes with a paragraph of panicked explanations or backtracking. This episode is for you because we think that saying no is selfish, but it's not.
It's not selfish. It's [00:02:00] responsibility, it's leadership. It's leadership and I think that so many of us, especially in our field, we tend to be high achievers and people pleasers, and we have learned over time that saying yes. Equates to approval. It equates to being liked or being accepted or being valued.
So the more that we say yes to the, the better the SLP we are. The more we say yes to, the better the employee we are. The more we say yes to, the better the coworker we are. Right. We think we're being team players and we're, you know, doing what we need to do in order to feel good about our role and our work in our careers.
Right? But. Think about this. That's just conditioning. In fact, I remember one time I was [00:03:00] working with a client in early, a family in early intervention, and I remember this was before I had kids. And I remember the dad saying to me in a session, I, so the, the kiddo who I was seeing did something and I must have said, I must have said something like, good girl, or.
Good job, whoever, or something like that. I remember him, the, the father saying to me, oh, could you not say something like that? We're really trying not to send the message of, you know, that she's either good or bad or that that comes from other people. It was something like that, and I was flustered. I was a new SLP, I was flustered, I was caught off guard and.
Uh, if I'm being honest, there's probably a part of me that was like, really? But now, now that I learned, I've learned what I've learned. I know what I know. I, I [00:04:00] understand the point. And of course I honored his respect, by the way, of course. Um, but it just, it caught me a little bit off guard, and now I understand.
I'm like, oh yeah, he was really onto something. Right. So when. We are, we don't mean this in a bad way. We don't, it's not intentionally harmful. In fact, we are trying to be helpful. We're trying, we're doing what we're taught, and we're trying to, you know, be affirmative and supportive and reinforce things of others when they say.
You know, yes to something. Or when they do something that we've asked them to do, we show our appreciation. Right? And so we give them praise and compliments, gratitude, and it just, it, it creates this loop of, I've gotta say yes to things in order to be liked. When I say yes to things, I get praised when I say yes to things, I, you know, people see me in a better light.
Something like that. Okay. But. What is the [00:05:00] cost, right? This is essentially just a story. This is just a narrative that has developed over time, and so we're, so, some of us are so ingrained in this, like we're so deep in it that we don't even realize that there's another way, and then there's also some of you listening who do realize that there could be another way, but you don't know how or you don't think it's for you.
Or you feel unsure of your ability to do it, or you think that it's gonna feel more uncomfortable to say no than it is to suck it up. Say yes and do it.
Trust me. Right? How many of you are feeling called out? How many of you can relate to this? And there's nothing wrong with you. Please let me be clear on that. This is so human. This is so common and typical, but, but it is so important that we're aware of it and we recognize the toll that it takes on us and the cost.
So [00:06:00] it's okay if you wanna say yes. If you feel good about your yes, but when you are saying yes to things that you really wanna say no to, that's when we have a problem. And that's where I come in to help you create a solution. I was working with a coaching client recently. She had said yes to an evaluation.
Basically somebody, uh, on her for one of the agencies she works for, asked her to take on an evaluation. And she was telling me before I even could think, I already, the words were coming outta my mouth. Yes, sure I can do it. And as soon as I said yes, I was like, oh gosh, wait a second. But can I do it? Like, when am I actually gonna get this done?
It's not gonna be for weeks. It's, it's gonna take me forever. Right. And she was, she recognized in our coaching session that she had said yes without thinking it was impulsive or just habitual, and she did it. Okay. And [00:07:00] then she recognized sort of the fallout afterwards of what was coming up in her mind and in her body.
She was starting to stress, she was starting to panic. Now she was starting to feel like there's even more on her plate, on her to-do list. She's already burning the candle at both ends. Well, now what? Right. And then she was mad at herself for saying yes. Like, come on, how did I, why did I say yes to that?
What the heck is wrong with me? I'm like, nothing's wrong with you. Nothing at all. And here's why you said yes to it. Right? We talked about so much of what I've just shared so far on this episode, and so we've talked about one thing that I call with clients called the Power of the Pause. The power of the pause.
So I want you to think about how helpful. A short little pause can be the next time someone asks you to do something before you react, pause, take a breath, and pause. [00:08:00] Just that simple pause can help you to check in with yourself and reminds you that you are the one that gets to say yes or no. 'cause ultimately it is up to you.
Right, and we think that we have to say yes or that we think that we need to, but it's you that's saying yes, and it's gonna be you that says no. So take that moment. Just take that moment to pause first and then. You can respond. Okay? So if you take nothing else away from this episode, start with that. I think that will help you in a lot of ways.
Okay? But I'm also gonna give you some scripts or some sort of guidelines for some boundaries that you can set, and ways that you can say no more clearly. Because honestly we tend to, it's like we think that no is a four letter word. It's like we think it's a, a profanity that we can't say it. We think that no is a four letter word when in reality no is a complete sentence.
We [00:09:00] can just say no. Quite simply say no and let it be that simple. We can. But I know a lot of us don't, and I know a lot of us won't, and I know a lot of us feel awkward and uncomfortable doing that. And that's not the take home message for this episode. It's not just say no. Right? It's not a, an alternative, uh, the opposite motto of, uh, Nike, just do it and instead just say, no, that's not, that's not what I'm saying.
Okay. But what I am saying is there are lots of ways that you can say no without feeling guilty and without having to overexplain yourself. So let's talk about some of those, some of those ways, okay? One way, if someone is asking you at work to take something on, you can say, I understand the need, but I'm not available to take that on right now.
I understand this is important. [00:10:00] I understand that that. You need this, but I am not available to take it on. Simple as that, and just let it linger. Let it be there and see what happens. Okay? See what happens. I've talked about this in the SLP support group. I did a whole Facebook Live with actual scripts that you can use for setting boundaries.
It's not just about saying no, um, specifically, but there are a bunch of scripts in there, um, in the SLP support group. So if you're in the group, take a search, uh, take a search for that if you missed it. And if you aren't in the group, get in the group. Join the group. Okay. So obviously what I mentioned in the Facebook Live too was, uh, you know, a, a boundary like that may or may not work for you depending upon your circumstances.
Um, you know, maybe you are not. A contractor, so you can't take things on or you can't say no to taking things on. Maybe you're an employee and you feel like you have to, but even then, even if [00:11:00] you are an employee and you feel like you don't have the right to say no to a case, that doesn't mean that you can't have a conversation about how you're struggling or about how what you're thinking or how you're feeling, or what it's gonna take from you to take it on.
It doesn't just have to be, uh, yeah, well, I, this is what I signed up for. This is what I have to do. We're in the field of communication. Why don't we communicate? Let's communicate with people. Let's communicate with our team, right, and see what happens. We're so afraid that it's going to. Cause other people to judge us and think, you know, less of us and think that we aren't being team players, especially those of us who have been in the field for a long time.
I think that this is shifting culturally with younger generations as they're coming out into our field with different sort of, you know, nor social norms and tendencies and beliefs. I think it is shifting, but it is still very much there. So we need to, we need to pay attention. Another [00:12:00] boundary that you can set, or another way that you can say no is simply this.
That's not gonna work with my schedule right now, or that doesn't work with my schedule now, but I hope that you find someone that can do it. Unfortunately, my schedule doesn't allow for that right now, but here's something you can try. Something like that. Right. I don't think you need to apologize. You can, and I certainly, sometimes I do, but I don't think you have to apologize.
I don't even think you have to say that word, unfortunately. Unfortunately, I can't take it on right now. Unfortunately, that won't work in my schedule. You could, it's okay to, but even that sort of sends this underlying message, or it indicates, in my opinion, oftentimes an underlying belief that when we say no to something, we owe someone an apology.
That we owe them this and we don't. We don't. So keep that in mind. And then a similar. [00:13:00] Boundary that you can set, or a similar way that you can say no to that last one. But that might also be helpful for someone listening is, I can't fit that in right now, but here's an option that might help you. I can't fit that in, but here's who's, here's somebody who you may wanna reach out to and try.
Okay? Those are some ways that you can say no, but you've gotta think about. Uh, this is sounding very meta, but you've gotta think about your thinking. You've gotta be aware of your thinking in those moments. How are you thinking and what are you feeling, or what I should say? What are you thinking and how are you feeling?
Because that's going to be communicated in your message regardless of the words. So, for example. If I go into a conversation and someone's asked me to do something, and I have this thought or narrative in my head that, oh gosh, I'm a [00:14:00] horrible SLP for not taking this family on. Here's how I might say no.
Oh man. I'm sorry. I wish I could take it on. I'm just, uh, my schedule is so jam packed. I don't know. I'm really sorry. I'll see what I can do, but. I'm, I'm, I'm so sorry. I, I just, I, I'm just not sure. I just don't think it's gonna work, but I'm not sure. Right. That's a very different message than me saying that's not gonna work with my schedule right now.
I'm sorry, but here's what I can do to help you. That's a totally different tone, a totally different message. Now granted, there is some words in there that were different. Sure. But even if I said the same sentence, that won't work with my schedule right now, but I hope you find someone versus. Oh, that won't work with my [00:15:00] schedule right now.
Oh, I really hope you find someone. Right. Those are two different messages. The second one is really leaving that door open. Open for you to be talked into doing what you're trying to say no to. So be mindful of the thoughts in your head as you are sending this message because it will impact the way that you deliver the message and it will impact the way that the message is received.
And think of this as a skill, as a muscle that you're flexing or building. Saying no, setting boundaries. It's a skill. And feeling confident after the no is also a skill. So once you've said no, then it's time to get to work on your brain. Getting on board with that. No. Reframing it, right? Somebody else's disappointment is not your responsibility, and your worth isn't measured by your flexibility.
If your calendar is maxed out. If you are maxed out, then somebody else's [00:16:00] request isn't your responsibility and your job to solve. So think about that, right? Visualize what your know is gonna look like, sound like, feel like, and know that there's nothing wrong with that. Honor your time. Protect your energy.
Trust yourself, trust the process, and if you want help with this book a call. Schedule a call. This is exactly what we talk about in coaching consults. This is exactly what I coach clients on. This is not a quick fix. This takes time, but it's absolutely possible and I would be honored to help you do it.
There's always a link in the show notes to schedule a call. All right. Make sure you go back and listen to the last episode, episode 1 0 4, about values and needs. It is a must listen. Because this gives you a reason behind the know. So go back and listen to that and keep your eye out. For next week's episode, I'm gonna be talking about what it costs when you stay in a job that doesn't [00:17:00] align with your values and your needs, and what you can do about it.
So don't miss it. All right. Thanks so much for being here. I'll talk to y'all soon.
*Please note that this transcript was generated by AI and may contain errors.