#2. Break Free from All-or-Nothing Thinking
Episode Shownotes:
Have you ever caught yourself getting stuck in all-or-nothing thinking? In today's episode, I share an intimate look into my own struggle with all-or-nothing thinking and how it's affected not only my personal life as a parent but also my professional life as a speech pathologist and productivity coach.
I'm breaking down the sneaky ways that all-or-nothing thinking shows up disguised as truth. I explore how this thought pattern can influence our work as speech pathologists and the ripple effects it may have on our businesses and our clients.
This episode also tackles how this all-or-nothing thinking can distort our perception of time and our decisions in how we spend it. And as always, I'm sharing a few of my favorite tips for breaking free from all-or-nothing thinking and take back control of your time!
Are you sick and tired of feeling overwhelmed by all the things? I can help. Schedule a free consult today.
Come join the SLP Support Group on Facebook for more tips and tricks!
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Learn more about Theresa Harp Coaching here.
Episode Transcript*:
This is Your Speech Path: Mindful Time Management for the Busy SLP. My name is Theresa Harp and, as a mom and speech pathologist turned productivity coach, I know a thing or two about how hectic life can be. If you're an SLP who's overworked, burnt out and feeling like you're constantly falling short as a therapist and a mom, then this is the podcast for you. I cover time management and mindset strategies so you can learn to love your work and your home life at the same time. Let's dive in.
Hello, podcast listeners. Welcome to episode two of the new and improved podcast, your speech path, mindful time management for the busy SLP feels so good to be back two weeks in a row, I feel like we're getting back into the swing of things over here, how y'all doing? Everyone doing good. I'm sitting here entertaining myself in my little home office. And I had to start, I had to start forcing myself to get dressed like, in human clothes, like pants, not jeans, and like a proper shirt for work, not just workout clothes. Because I feel like I was getting into this bad habit of well, it's not really a bad habit. But I was in the habit of just kind of wearing, you know, like workout clothes, comfortable clothes, when I would come downstairs to the office and work. And I noticed that a lot of times I would feel more tired. And I don't know, more distracted. Not really, like motivated and excited. And like, Okay, let's go, let's do this. So I started making an effort to actually put different clothes on when I'm going to work. And then when I'm done with work changing into something else that I would probably normally wear. And I'm not talking like fancy at all, I'm talking like, just jeans and a shirt. That's not a t shirt, or like a plain V neck shirt. So yeah, I think it's working, I'm feeling a little bit more energized and focused, I guess. So that's what's going on over here. And today, I'm gonna talk a bit about all or nothing thinking, I've been thinking about this concept for a while, and how it shows up for me, I guess I've just been more aware of it over the past several months. And all the places where it's showing up. For me personally, I do this, I was gonna say I do this all the time. And that's an example. Right then and there of all, or nothing thinking I am guilty of this. So often, and I think many of us are. And I think it's something that we know what it is we know what it means. But we're probably not thinking about it too much. We're probably doing it way more than we're aware of. And I think that it can be really useful to start taking a closer look at where it's showing up in your life, identifying the times when you start engaging in all or nothing thinking and just sort of deciding, like recognizing, calling your brain out on those moments and recognizing that there is a lot of gray area in between all and nothing. And I'll give you an example. Actually, I was thinking of this recently with parenting, and how much most of the time I realized that most of the time, my brain just automatically goes to the thought that Parenting is hard. Parenting is so hard. Oh my gosh, this is just this is really tough. This is exhausting. Like parenting is just a season of life that is just by definition, difficult and hard. And what I was noticing was that when I would have that thought, and I would have it very often. It would prevent me from opening my awareness to the times when parenting wasn't hard, because there are definitely moments, instances of events, experiences, even days or like periods of time, where parenting doesn't feel incredibly difficult. But I was too busy wrapped up in the thought of how hard it is that all I would recognize, all I would look at all I would think about all I would see was the difficult pieces of parenting. And it prevented me from not only recognizing those little moments of ease, but enjoying them. So that's just one example of all or nothing thinking. But I know I just kind of dove right in there. And so let me back up just a little bit. Because what I want to start with, and what I want to say is that if you are listening to this podcast, I want you to ask yourself, do I engage in all or nothing thinking? And I am going to guess that your answer will be yes, because we do haul do it at some point or another. It shows up for us as women, as moms as business owners or employees. As clinicians as speech therapists. It's, it happens a lot. So what I want you to do is first think about what that looks like for you. Right? So I know I do this, and I've seen many of my coaching clients do this, this all or nothing thinking is, it might look like, for example, as a speech pathologist, oh, that was such a great session, like, oh, my gosh, this is just going fabulous, this session was amazing. Or that session was helpful. Or oh, my gosh, I have this session later on this afternoon. And I know it's going to be a doozy. I know it's going to be a really difficult session, I'm dreading it. Or it might look like yes, I got up early, this was a really productive day. And I got so much done. Or it could be the opposite, like oh my gosh, what a total shit show. This was a terrible day, this was a terrible workday, this is a terrible day at home with the kids like nothing got accomplished. Nothing went according to plan, oh my gosh, we do this with our clients that we work with, right, especially for those of you who are working with case loads that maybe you don't get to choose. So you might kind of classify these clients in your brain, obviously, just personally privately, but you might think about them in your own mind as either a good client or a quote unquote, bad client, an easy client or a difficult client, right? Someone that you like working with, or someone that you really quite honestly don't like to work with. And this is I'm saying this should be careful. But I'm saying this, not to kind of perpetuate the idea that we should judge our clients or anything like that. This is just life. This is just these are the thoughts that our brain offers us, right? And I'm just kind of telling you how it might show up. So it just it shows up in so many ways. And probably in ways that you're not realizing is number one, all or nothing thinking like some of those things that I just said, you're probably your brain might be thinking, Well, yeah, it was a good session, or it wasn't a good session. And so your brain might just be like, well, that's not all or nothing thinking that's a fact. And challenge that catch that question that because that is not necessarily true, there is a lot of gray area. Right? So number one, you might not be realizing that what you're doing is engaging and all or nothing thinking. And then number two, you're probably not realizing that it's holding you back. And it's holding you back in ways that you don't even you're not even aware of. Right. And so this will become more clear. I hope as we continue today's podcast episode,
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you know, we are as business owners, we think that we have to get everything done. And if we can't accomplish something, it's like, well, why even bother? I mean, I could start this but I'm not going to finish it. So why am I going to bother trying? Why am I going to bother starting it if I can't get it done? Right? Or we think as business owners, only I can do this. Right? I am the only one who can do this. I'm the only one that can do this the way that it needs to be done or the way that I want it to be done. Another way that this holds us back, I see this with my coaching clients is, a lot of times if we are strategizing during a session, and we come up with a strategy, right, maybe we come up with it together, maybe they come up with it, but especially if I come up with it. And we're like, Okay, this is what we're going to try my clients. So often, the ones that fall into that all or nothing trap, their brains are already offering them a reason why that strategy won't work. So let me give you an example. Let's say today, I was talking about giving a presentation. And I was talking about the strategy of boundaries, and just the concept of boundaries. And I was saying how we need to implement boundaries with ourselves, we need to implement boundaries with our employees or our contractors, with the families that we work with, on our caseload, or the clients that we work with, right? So I will give the example of okay, let's make the decision that you're no longer going to respond to clients after 5pm. That's your boundary, we're going to just draw a line in the sand. That's what it is. Right? And as I'm saying this, as I'm saying this strategy out loud, this boundary out loud, I can see the wheels turning, I can see the people who are listening and are thinking, Oh, that will never happen. Like, or they might be thinking okay, yeah, that will work at first, like maybe for the first week, I can stick to that, right. But obviously, that can't that's not a realistic strategy that's not going to last forever. There's no way I can do that. So I'm not even gonna bother trying. Right? That's the all or nothing thinking. We think that if it's not going to always work, then why bother? Right. And that's the mentality that keeps us stuck. And I want to offer that, I want to acknowledge that you are right, you are correct. This strategy will not work all the time. And no one is telling you that it's going to work all the time. I'm not even entertaining that idea. The idea is that you can use it this one time. And then you can use it another time, and then another time. And then maybe the next time, the strategy doesn't work, you aren't able to hold that boundary, you answer a text after 5pm for a client. And then maybe you find yourself slipping back into that pattern. And you're responding to emails while you're making dinner or watching your kids softball games, right? But if that happens, or when that happens, that doesn't mean that everything has fallen apart, it doesn't mean that this strategy no longer works. It doesn't mean that okay, well, let's just throw that out the window I tried that didn't work. No, instead, you just get back on the wagon, right, you just hop back on, you get back on to using that boundary implementing that boundary, you just get right back to it, nothing has gone wrong. So I would argue that the times that you do it over and over and over and over again, even when you have those little moments where you slip out of it, or you know, you just kind of let it go completely, like even those moments, they don't quite matter. Because all of the times that you are doing it all of the times that you are holding that boundary will cumulatively outweigh the times that you don't hold that boundary. Right. So that's an example of all or nothing thinking and how it's holding you back. Because if your brain is automatically on board with the idea that that will never work, or even with the idea that that won't always work, your brain is now rejecting it, your brain won't even give it a shot. And you've missed out now on a strategy that would have been effective for you in the long term. Okay, so let's see how else this shows up, especially for speech pathologists, and those of you who aren't SLPs. But if you're listening to this, and you work inside or outside of the home, I think you probably know what I'm talking about when you hear these examples, right. So, one, one example that I have. Another way that this shows up is the thought of and I kind of mentioned this a little bit earlier, but the thought of well, I won't I know I won't have enough time to get this work done. So instead of staying at work and finishing this thing, I might as well just get home. I might as well just leave right and that might be is the most logical decision or the decision that is in your best interest. And that's okay. But if it's coming from a place, if that decision is coming from a place of, I can't get all of it done, so I might as well not do anything. That's a different story. My question to you is, is that thought serving you, right? So if you're going to go home, and you're going to punch out mentally with work, and then you're going to go home, and you're going to punch in, and you're going to be present with your family, and enjoy your time with your kids or your your spouse, or whoever, then by all means, go do it, commit and do that. plan to do that, go and do that and be in that decision, right on that decision. But if you're going to go home, but your brain is still going to be at work, thinking about how you didn't get it all done, or mentally trying to complete it in your brain and your mind, wishing that you had just done it and it wasn't holding, you know, hanging over your head, and you shouldn't have left, then I would offer stay there, work on it for a little while and then walk away. Right? We think that if we can't do it to completion, or if we can't do it, to quote unquote, perfection, then we shouldn't do it at all. And that's what keeps us stuck. All or nothing mentality, or all or nothing thinking also shows up so much when it comes to goal setting. I see this a lot with myself, I see this with my clients, who I coach, I see this. And so many aspects. And it's dressed up in so many different ways, right? And not just goal setting, it shows up with working towards the goals and actually achieving goals as well. Sometimes we try and think about business goals of how we want to build our practice. And we think to ourselves, Well, I'm in this season of life where there's no way I could hire somebody, and I just have to continue to do this on my own. I can't manage somebody else. So I'm just gonna have to do it by myself. That is all or nothing thinking, you are either thinking that I either I can do this, or I can't do this. Right. It's all or nothing thinking. We think that we aren't ready for the next phase of our business. So we're not going to bother trying. That's all or nothing thinking, what if you just showed up? What if you just showed up and tried. And the sneaky part is when it comes to all or nothing thinking it's very sneaky. By the way, this is very sneaky, because it disguises itself as logic. And so if you're listening to this, again, if you're listening to this, and you're thinking, Oh, that's all or nothing thinking, That's just fact. That's just honesty, right? Oh, check that. Because all or nothing thinking is often disguised as logic. It's often disguised as being supportive of yourself. But in reality, a lot of the times it's it's not support, it's playing small. It's us staying small, it's a staying safe, because we're afraid of what might happen if we don't hit that goal. Or maybe we're afraid that we'll set the goal. And then we achieve it. And it wasn't what we thought it was gonna be. It didn't feel as good as we had hoped. It didn't lead to any major change. So we are like, Okay, well, why why bother, like, why even bother trying. So when it comes to setting goals and working on goals, one thing I like to encourage my clients to do is to set up a three level or kind of like a three tier goal. So I think of this as like, bronze, silver and gold. Okay, so let's we're going to write the gold metal goal. So what is the reach for the stars, right,
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what is the stretch goal, the reach goal. So that's the goal that we hope to achieve. And the goal that we're going to work our asses off to hit. But let's also leave room for a little bit of a lower caliber, like a little bit of a, you know, those steps that you would have to pass along the way to the gold. So let's set a silver metal goal. Let's set a bronze level goal and if we don't hit the gold, if we don't win that gold if we don't reach that gold level goal, there's still possibility there's still opportunity to take home That's over or did take home that bronze, right? We're still gonna make the podium. And I think about this with my podcast because I had the goal of hitting a certain number of downloads on my podcast, and in 2023, and I had the gold bar set. And what I did was okay, well, I kind of thought about this, and realized or predicted, knowing myself that if I didn't hit that goal, I would just be disappointed. But I didn't want to not try. So I sort of set that silver and bronze level, so that if I didn't hit the goal, the gold goal, then I wouldn't just kind of throw my hands up and be like, Yes, see, this was such a waste of time, this was such a failure, I knew I wasn't gonna be able to do this. Instead, it you know, in that case, that discounts that discredit all of my hard work, it does credits, all of the other downloads that I hit. It's almost like saying those downloads don't matter, because it didn't hit this number that I wanted. And that's absurd. That's ridiculous. I want it to be able to celebrate the progress and recognize the growth, even if it wasn't the number that I had set as the goal. So that's what I did. I would just set those lower milestones or those, I guess, sooner milestones, if you know what I mean, the things that you're going to hit along the way. So that that way I could try for the goal. And whatever progress I made, whatever achievements I earned, would still be celebrated. And I wouldn't recognize it just as failure. So we've talked about all or nothing thinking how it shows up as a some of the ways that it shows up as a speech pathologist. I think there's a couple of other, there's many other areas or many other ways that this shows up for SLPs. I see this with my students, I teach grad school, and I teach masters level students, and I see this with students where if they don't get the question, right, then they're upset. You know, they're they don't know anything, this is what they think this is like, Oh, I failed, I didn't get the grade I wanted on the exam or on the project or whatever. I answered a question. I didn't get the question, right. So I know nothing. It's like, well, no, that's not true at all, you know, a lot of things. And in those moments where you didn't get the goal, or didn't, you know, didn't get the grade that you wanted, or didn't get the question, right, you have the opportunity for learning. And so it's not all or nothing, right? There is there is growth happening there, there is achievement happening there. There's progress that's happening there. I also see this with families who are coming in, and I'm not currently treating as an SLP. But when I did, I see this with families in sessions where it's like, we're working on a target, we're working on a goal. And in that session, if the child isn't able to hit it, if the child isn't able to do what it is that we're working on, you know, it's so easy to for families to just get stuck in defeat and to be discouraged, and to walk away and feel like oh, that was just, you know, that didn't go well that I did not see the progress. Nothing's happening. Nothing's changing. Nothing's improving, right? Or, sometimes I'm just laughing because this would happen all the time. I'm wondering if, if the speech pathologists who are listening to this can relate, I bet you can, where I would see a kid for therapy for you know, every week consistently, and then we would have a little bit of a break, like they go on vacation, or the practice is closed for a little while or whatever. And so then we come back for our next session after a short period of time off, and I'm talking just a short period of time, just a few weeks, two, maybe three, and they come back and there's like this burst of language or this, this, you know, big growth is significant growth, notable growth. And I, my brain would just say to me, oh, like as a clinician, my brain would be like, oh, yeah, look at that. You weren't seeing any progress when you work with them, and now they get time off and that's when they start making progress. That's when the goals are getting closer to being hit. Right. And that's so then my brain is like, Oh, well, might as well just what are you doing here, Teresa? Like, what are you working on? And what are you doing this isn't working, because obviously, they took a break. And that's when they got there. That's when they made their progress. And I had to catch that, because it's easy to think that. And if you don't catch it, what you fail to recognize is that sometimes it's just that period of, of quiet, just that little pause, that kids need to be able to put all the pieces in place, and really synthesize what you've been working on so hard for so long with families. And then it's, it's just sort of like the fruits of your labor are coming out, right, it just doesn't happen immediately. And so I would have to really work to recognize that I did play a part in that growth, it wasn't all or nothing. It's not all me. It's not all the family. It's not all the child, there's so many factors, so many people involved. And everybody plays a role in that. And cumulatively, that's what leads to those changes, right. And I'm part of that as the clinician. So it's easy to overlook that when you're engaged in all or nothing thinking. And I also want to share ways that all or nothing thinking will show up for me, as a parent. And I talked about this a little bit at the start of the episode. And so now we're sort of coming full circle. But for me, as a parent, I've had to recognize, I've really had to recognize the way that I engage in all or nothing thinking and how it basically acts as a thief of joy. It sucks out the I don't know, the pleasure, the ease, the comfort, the excitement, the meaningful moments, like all of those things are often lost. When I'm when my brain is doing all or nothing thinking. So I might see this happen at home or with my kids, when it comes to following directions. It's gonna say following orders. Sometimes it's what it feels like. Right? It's like, feel like I'm in charge of a, I don't know, like thinking military speak. But anyway. So when it comes to following directions, because let's be honest, there's so many parts of our day, not all of them. But so many parts of our day are about getting through what you need to get through to get from point A to point B, right. So in the morning, my kids wake up at 630. And we have to be out the door by 730. So basically, for that hour, it is me giving a lot of directions. It's not only me giving directions, though, and so sometimes like I would get in the car after getting everyone out the door, and I'd get into the car. And I'm like, Okay, take a deep breath. And then I feel like I've lived a whole day, I feel like I've done more in that hour than like sometimes I do in a day on other days. And it's exhausting, and I feel tired and I feel spent. And then I'll think about my brain will kind of replay that morning and what happened and like what how easy or hard it was to get everyone out the door and ready. And my brain will either say it is that was a crappy morning, you all you did was scream, or all you did was yell or all you did was nag. Or my brain. I was gonna say my brain will be like, okay,
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it wasn't so bad. But most of the time, it just goes to that negative space. And so then that becomes that was a terrible morning, nothing went right. Everything was difficult. And I have to stop myself and really replay the morning for a couple of minutes in my brain to recognize the moments where people did listen, because the all or nothing thinking is my kids never listened to me. That's the thought my kids never listen, nobody listens. And I know that you all think that too. For those of you that are parents, I know you've had those thoughts. And they're not helping. They're not helping you. They're not helping your kids. They're not helping anybody's relationship. And so I've had to catch that and start kind of shifting it a little bit. I also this also comes up with like, just think Thinking about me myself as a parent and sort of, I don't know, thinking about okay, am I a good mom? Am I How am I doing? And I, my brain will also often tell me, Oh, God, Teresa really screwed that one up. Or, you know, just my brain just wants to tell me all the ways that I'm falling short as a parent, all the ways that I'm not doing a good job, all the things that I got wrong, all the things I could have done better and done differently. That is all or nothing thinking. And there's no good things, there were no good things that I said no wins, no positive moments. So having to find those, those moments having to find them and be aware of them, and really celebrate them. And what a difference that makes in my mood, yes, but also just my self concept, as a parent, and the relationships that and the way that I show up with my kids and the way that I engage with them. And especially if I'm thinking in my head, no one ever listens, my kids never listen. Yes, that 100% negatively impacts the relationship with my children, the way that I show up and the way that I kind of the tone of voice that I use when I talk with them. If subconsciously, I'm thinking no one ever listens. It's like I'm already annoyed. Even before I've told them anything that they need to do. Similarly, I will think of all or nothing like all or nothing thinking will happen in terms of the types of exchanges that I have with the kids. One thought is my brain often says, All you do is tell them what to do. You don't, you know, pause and have fun, and talk about their day. And you know, just kind of like have those moments of connection and things that aren't directives or commands or demands, right. But that is not true. That is not true at all. There's all that word again, that's just not true. So I have to catch it and make sure that I start to sort of unwind or break that mental connection in my brain and replace it with something that's more self serving. Now the last thing that I want to talk about in terms of all or nothing thinking is the way that it shows up in terms of your time. So we've kind of indirectly touched on that. You know, when I gave you the examples earlier about if I can't finish the task, why should I start, right? There's lots of ways that all or nothing thinking impacts the way that we spend our time. We might have thoughts like this, here are some examples. I'm just kind of coming up with these off the top of my head. But here are some examples of how this might show up in terms of the way that you spend your time besides what we've already covered. So you might think, Well, I'm a mom, and my kids are little, so I can't spend time on myself. I can't, this is this is the season of life I'm in it's not the time for this. It's not the time for that. Or it might show up like I spent way too much time on this, I spent all my time doing this. And I didn't spend any time doing that. Or it might show up like, I want to go grocery shopping or let's face it, maybe it's more like I have to go grocery shopping. But it's going to take two hours because by the time I you know, get there, I make my list, I drive I get there I love find everything in the store and get the show through the checkout aisle and get home and put everything away. That's like two plus hours of time. I can't do that. It's way too much time. Right? That's many things, one of which is all or nothing thinking. It's also just false. It's wrong promote in most cases, most often grocery shopping is not taking two hours if it is let's talk because unless you love to grocery shop, I would suggest maybe spending some time on something else. Right? There's ways we could do that differently. But I just want you to think about how all or nothing thinking is showing up for you. When it comes to setting a schedule, or deciding what you're going to do or not do and making decisions about how you're going to spend your time. It might look like the thought I'm really good with my time or the thought, I'm really bad at time management, or the thought of, I have no time, or the thought of I have so much time, I have way too much time. Most of my listeners don't have that thought. But there are some of you out there, I have talked to you, I have coached you on this. So I know that it's true for some of you that you have that thought. Things like I am organized, I'm proactive, I'm productive, or I'm a mess, my life is chaos. I'm unproductive. Your brain wants to make it all or nothing. And then your brain will use that in support of yourself or more often against yourself. And I'm here to remind you, that this does not have to be the way that you think I'm here to help you identify the times when it does happen. And to really question number one, is it true? This thought, is this thought true? And number two, how does this thought help me? How does it not help me? And what can I do to dismantle it? What can I do to find the things that are in, I guess that go against that thought the things that don't line up with that thought? So the ways that I if the thought is I'm so bad with time management, then my question for you would be is it true? Are you bad at time management? Yes or no? And then, regardless of what your answer is to that first question, and then the question becomes, well, if you say that you're bad with time management, then tell me all the times that you've been good with time management, let's look for all the moments when you have managed your time in a way that you were proud of or that you felt good about. And start noting those, start documenting them either mentally or even better journal on them. Put them in writing so that you start to find the times when what your brain offers you as truth as fact, you're finding the times where it's not. And you're building the evidence that you can be good at time management that you do have the time that you need, that you do have time for yourself, that you are a good mom, that you are a good clinician, that you are a good business owner, find those moments and build on those use those as evidence to confirm the things that you want to believe about yourself. Okay, I know this was a long one, I think, because I've been so out of the podcast game for so many months. I'm like, I just want to keep talking. And probably it's also the caffeine that I had this morning. So you know, there's that. But anyway, I hope that this was helpful. I hope that you enjoyed it, I hope that it's going to start opening your mind up to the ways that this shows up for you, and your ability to change it. That's it for today's episode. Next week. I have a couple of episodes in the bank. So I'm not sure which one is is launching next week. But in the next couple of weeks, I've got an episode for you on marketing as an SLP. That sounds a little bit different, right and something that we haven't talked about before. So marketing through the lens of time management. So for those of you who are speech pathologist, definitely be sure to tune into that specially if you are a private practice owner, or aspire to be one. And I've also got an episode coming up about coaching several episodes about coaching and what that looks like what it means what it involves. And just to kind of broaden your, I guess experiences whether you have or have not had experiences with a coach. So you can learn a little bit more about what time management coaching looks like and how it might be helpful for you. All right, that's it. I will see you all next week.
*Please note that this transcript was generated by AI and may contain errors.