#73. Why You Don’t Want Work-Life Balance
Episode Shownotes:
You say you want better work-life balance, but do you really?? In today's episode, I'm revealing the hidden reasons why so many of us talk about how overwhelmed we are, but struggle with initiating changes for better work-life balance. I'm warning you--this one might hit a nerve with some of you--but it just might be the tough love you need in order to start taking back control of your time.
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Episode Transcript*:
Welcome to Work-Life Balance for Speech Pathologists. I’m Theresa Harp, an SLP and productivity coach, and this podcast is all about how to build a successful career as an SLP and still have time for yourself and the people and things you love. So if you’re ready to ditch stress and burnout for a more balanced and fulfilling life, then you are in the right place. Let’s dive in.
Let's dive in. Hey SLPs, welcome back to the Work Life Balance. It's podcast for speech pathologists and also my fellow related health professionals, PTs, OTs. All of you are welcome. So today's episode is going to be short, but it's not going to be very sweet. I'd be lying if I said it was because I'm giving you a dose of the, let's say, the harsh truth, the, I don't know, maybe tough love, if [00:01:00] you will.
It's something that I've been thinking about for a while and it's been coming up. in conversations with coaching clients and also with consults. So, uh, therapists who I have been meeting with to talk about time management coaching, what it looks like, what it means, and to talk about if we would be a good fit.
And so, the more that I see these things, or this thing in particular popping up, And really in general, anytime I see something that kind of pops up over and over in different ways and different places, I'm like, okay, got to record an episode on this one. So here we are. So the other sort of background to this topic is related to actually a presentation that I was giving a few months ago now.
I was doing a, an in service on values and [00:02:00] needs and. This might sound unrelated, but just bear with me because I promise it does relate. So during the, during that presentation on values and needs, one of the members of the audience raised their hand and said something along the lines of. Well, one of my values is, you know, quiet and, and rest.
And that seems to conflict with the values of my friends or my family members. And, you know, say one of their values seems to be more of connection or community. And basically they're inviting me places and I keep saying no. And it's not because I don't want to go necessarily. It's just that that's not.
What fills me up at the end of the day. That's not how I want to spend my time. I want to be home and relax and rest and I don't want them to think that I don't like [00:03:00] them. And so how do you, how do you deal with that? Now, there were a few different, I guess, approaches. There are a few different ways to approach that question.
And I'm not going to go through the entire answer of what we talked about. But I do think that this is relevant. Because what it indicates, and I, and I shared this with her, the person who asked the question, is what that, a comment like that indicates is a desire to people please, or a an avoidance of disappointing others, wanting to put other people first, and not wanting to hurt people's feelings, not wanting to upset anyone.
And I want to be super clear on this. I am not saying that that is wrong. I'm not saying that That, that's unrelatable or, because it is, it's [00:04:00] entirely relatable. It's entirely human. It's entirely, entirely normal, right? Quote unquote, normal, typical. This is a common thread and what I want you to hear is Is that people pleasing, which, like I said, is sort of this, this core, the core center of that question or one of the one of the center or one of the focal points of that question is people pleasing and that it.
is also one of the reasons why, in my opinion, many of you who are listening do not want better time management. So that's what we're talking about today, the, the sneaky reasons why you don't actually want better time management, why you don't want better work life balance. And I want you, as you're listening [00:05:00] to these, to ask yourself, what If anything rings true and do any of these hit a nerve, because if any of them hit a nerve, I want you to sort of pause and check in with yourself about why that might be.
Okay, so I, as I mentioned, people pleasing. That is one of the reasons, in my opinion, why people don't actually want better work life balance. We think we do. We say that we want better work life balance. We say that we want more free time. We say we want to be more in control of our time and of our calendar and what we're spending our time on.
And yet so many of us continue to struggle with this. And What I want to offer is that perhaps there are some sneaky underlying reasons why you stay stuck, why you stay busy, why you stay out of control when it comes to your time [00:06:00] and work life balance. And one of the biggest reasons I believe is people pleasing.
We think that If we start making different choices about what we say yes to, about what we agree to do or not do, about opinions we share, if we draw, draw lines in the sand or set up boundaries, that we might upset somebody, we might disappoint someone. What will people think if I say no to this? What are they going to think?
Now, I do this all the time. Okay. My brain does this, just I, the difference now is that I'm aware of it when it's happening and I catch it and I can redirect it. And it also doesn't happen as often as it used to, but it still happens because I'm human. Right. So I will notice that I, you know, this shows one way that shows up as with volunteer, uh, volunteer activities or volunteer opportunities within usually [00:07:00] For my family, for the kids.
And I will notice that sometimes I, every time actually the, uh, the class list goes out or the signup sheet goes out for every holiday party that there is, and there are, you know, I don't know. There's several parties throughout the year. There is a sign up sheet that goes out for either volunteering to be there or volunteering to send things in.
Just about every time, the first thought that goes in my head is, Oh gosh, I can't say no because I don't want to be the one mom who doesn't. You know, pitch in. I don't want to be the mom that pitches in, right? Or, I don't want to be the mom that doesn't pitch in. And I, at least now, will notice it and catch it and just kind of call myself out on how absurd that is.
Because, spoiler alert, most people are not paying any attention to what you say. volunteer to do or not to. But even when we're talking about scenarios where someone is directly asking you, putting you on the spot [00:08:00] to say yes to something, to help them with something, and we feel this obligation to do it, stop and think.
What would be the worst case scenario if I actually said no? Couldn't I explain why? Do I even owe them an explanation? No, you don't actually, but you could if you want to. And so instead of saying no, we say yes, because we don't want to upset anyone. And we believe that in order to have better time management, that We would have to start disappointing people.
It would mean disappointing people. Our kids, our spouse, our family members, you know, whoever. Okay, so ask yourself. How does people pleasing show up for you? What things do you say yes to? Purely because you don't want to disappoint someone. And now I'm not saying that we should all just do what we want and never give any consideration to [00:09:00] anybody else, okay?
I want to be clear here, that's all or nothing thinking. That's not what I'm suggesting. I'm just offering that there's a whole lot of middle ground there, and that you have every right to set those boundaries and say no, even if it means that some people might be a little bit disappointed. Alright, so people pleasing is one reason.
Alright. Another reason why you actually don't want better time management or better work life balance, believe it or not, is FOMO, fear of missing out. If they still call it that these days, I don't know. So fear of missing out. We don't want to say no to things because we're afraid that we're going to miss out on something.
Either it's something fun that we want, we wouldn't get to experience or it might be, I don't know, like a better, an advantage or a better scenario, a better something, like early bird gets the worm type of thing. But we're afraid that if we say no, we're going to miss out. Well, I don't [00:10:00] want to I don't want to miss out.
I don't know what they're going to be doing. I don't know You know what this happened to my daughter the other day. I was like asking the kids who's gonna come to run errands I gotta run to I gotta run to a couple stores and she Kept going back and forth trying to decide if she was gonna come with me and one of the reasons that she I heard her voice out loud is, I just don't know because I don't know where you're gonna go.
And what if I, what if you go somewhere fun? So we have this fear of missing out. She did actually, by the way, wind up coming with me. And she regretted it. She was not happy because we wound up doing quite a bit of clothes shopping. And I hate clothes shopping and so does she. So she was disappointed. She would have been happier staying at home.
So that's one example of how FOMO bit her in the ass. Alright, so FOMO, that's number two. Number three, now these are getting a little bit more sensitive in nature, so bear with me, but the [00:11:00] third reason is that we have this unconscious for most of us, this underlying belief that being busy is equals our self worth.
The busier we are, the more valuable we are, the more worthy we are as people. And I did a whole episode on this podcast when it was under the old name, Busy, is not a badge of honor, or busy is, yeah, something along those lines about how we just all pride ourselves on being busy. And because we feel the more, the busier we are, the more productive we are, the more, you know, beneficial we are, the more valuable we are.
And we're afraid that if we slow down, if we start building in pauses and breaks, that it's going to mean that we are not quote unquote good. We're not good mom. We're not a good mom. We're not a good SLP. We're not a [00:12:00] good daughter. We're not a good spouse. We're not a good friend. Whatever. We think that the busier we are, the better we are.
And that is keeping you stuck. It's keeping you in overwhelm. It's keeping you in a place where you just quite frankly cannot sustain. It's a place that you cannot sustain. And yet, you force yourself to try. Ultimately, we hit the wall at one point or another, we rest for a little while, and then it all starts back up again.
And by the way, when we're resting, we're usually feeling like crap, telling ourselves that we're being lazy, right? Ask me how I know these things, been there, done that, right? So you're not alone. You're not alone, but it absolutely is a reason that keeps you stuck, that keeps you in that overwhelm. Okay? And similarly, the next reason is fear of the [00:13:00] unknown.
We're afraid. of what is not familiar, what we haven't experienced. If this is how we've been living, if this is, you know, that hurry, hurry, hurry, go, go, go, busy, busy, busy. And if that's what you've been living in the way that you've been operating for however long, it's familiar. It's comforting in a way because it's familiar.
And we're afraid that if we do something different, we're not going to. We're not going to know what that's going to be like and we'd rather stick with what we know than, you know, worry about or risk what we don't know. So we stay in the familiar and again, we stay stuck. And while there are lots of other reasons why you perhaps don't want better time management or work life balance, this fifth and final reason that I'm going to share today is, um, A little bit [00:14:00] difficult to say, but I'm going to say it anyway, because it's the hard truth for some people, is that we are, are afraid or we're hesitant to face something that we would otherwise like to avoid.
Let me say this another way. When we are busy. When we are go, go, go, we're buffering. We are not able to think about some of the tougher things that we. might have to think about or might have to face when we're in the pauses, in the quiet, in the breaks. So the more busy we are, the easier it is for us to avoid.
Call that buffering. I call that buffering. Other people have called that buffering. There's other things, other terms for it, but it's basically avoidance. because I don't want to think about X, Y, Z. I don't want to have to [00:15:00] face X, Y, Z, whatever that is. It could be different for everyone, but usually it's something like, I don't know, feeling insecure about something, uh, low self worth.
It could be, You know, maybe there's something in your life that you're really unhappy with, maybe it's a relationship or a job or a, your health, your physical health, your weight, whatever. And the busier we are, the easier it is to just avoid all of that. But once we stop and slow down, it's there right in your face and you have to face it.
And so. But we often will choose the alternative. Stay busy and stay safe. But trust me when I tell you, while all of those things are quote unquote normal, typical, common, human, they're also all things that you can change. They're [00:16:00] all things that you have the power, the ability, the choice to change. You have it.
No one else can do it for you. You have to do it for. You, you have to do it for you. And here's the thing, while you're busy, literally staying here, not choosing to do something different, staying in this place of overwhelm and burnout and zero work life balance, because you want to avoid difficult choices or awkward encounters or deep seated self doubt.
You're essentially only trading one hard for another. You're avoiding disappointing others and letting people down and you're avoiding having to deal with, [00:17:00] you know, difficult realities that are struggles that you're facing, realities that you have and scenarios that you maybe just don't yet want to face and you think that you're sort of skirting.
The issue right because you're deciding that oh, no, no, I'm not gonna go down there. I'm not gonna deal with that I'm not gonna address that. I don't want to handle that I don't want to be faced with that and yet look at the alternative The alternative is that you are here where you are now busy overwhelmed stressed no free time constantly behind Scrambling to meet deadlines, frantically responding to emails or messages that you saw and forgot about, and started to reply and got distracted, and grabbing things off the shelf from one room to run into the next therapy session that you have, not even [00:18:00] sure who you're seeing, what your goals are, or what you're going to be working on in that session.
Those are hard tasks. scenarios. Those are hard, harsh realities. And what I want to offer is that in all of our effort to sort of avoid doing the hard work of making changes, we stay in this hard place. And if it's hard either way, wouldn't you rather Choose the hard work, do the difficult things, make the difficult decisions, have the awkward conversations, miss out on a couple of fun things.
If on the other side of that, things are different. If you on the other side of that and throughout the process are getting more self aware, becoming more self aware, getting more confident, building your self trust, seeing changes in how you're spending your time, working more efficiently, slowly but surely.
All of [00:19:00] that is available to you. And if you want help with this, if this is something that you need the support with, book a call today. The link for a free consult is always in the show notes. I would love to talk you through what in particular is your flavor of struggle and what we can do to fix it.
Alright, I will talk with you all next week.
*Please note that this transcript was generated by AI and may contain errors.