#5. How I Set Boundaries for Myself to Save Me TIME
Episode Shownotes:
Setting boundaries is an incredibly powerful tool to save yourself time and sanity. When we think about boundaries, though, we often overlook the importance of setting boundaries with OURSELVES. In today’s episode, I’m revealing some of the most effective boundaries that I’ve put in place for myself to ensure that I am spending my time intentionally as a coach, a speech pathologist, and–most importantly–a mother.
What You’ll Learn:
the most common signs that you need to set boundaries for yourself
over 10 (!!) boundaries that I set for myself to save me time and help me prioritize what matters most
three questions to ask yourself to identify at least one new boundary to set NOW
Are you sick and tired of feeling overwhelmed by all the things? I can help. Schedule a free consult today.
Come join the SLP Support Group on Facebook for more tips and tricks!
Follow me on Instagram! @theresamharp
Learn more about Theresa Harp Coaching here.
Episode Transcript*:
This is Your Speech Path: Mindful Time Management for the Busy SLP. My name is Theresa Harp and, as a mom and speech pathologist turned productivity coach, I know a thing or two about how hectic life can be. If you're an SLP who's overworked, burnt out and feeling like you're constantly falling short as a therapist and a mom, then this is the podcast for you. I cover time management and mindset strategies so you can learn to love your work and your home life at the same time. Let's dive in.
Hey podcast listeners, welcome back to Your Speech Path, where we're always talking about mindful time management tips for busy SLPs. How y'all doing? This is the third and, I believe, the final episode in the boundaries series that I've been covering over the past several weeks. So if you haven't listened to the previous two episodes where I was talking about boundaries with your schedule and boundaries within the workplace, definitely check those out. But today I'm going to be talking about boundaries with yourself, and there will be a little bit of overlap over across the past couple of episodes, but really the focus for this episode is about why we need boundaries that are set purely for ourselves and how to know when you need to set a boundary, so how to basically identify areas of your life where perhaps there is no boundary but there needs to be one, or there's a boundary but you're not really holding it when it comes to taking time for yourself or spending time on yourself, or basically any of the day to day activities, routines, interactions, decisions, all of the things that we do day in and day out. So that's what I'm going to be talking about today-- how to know when you need to set a boundary for yourself and what are some boundaries that you can set for yourself in your personal life and in your work life, to essentially help you prioritize what you're spending your time on and to help you spend your days in service to yourself, really taking action or not taking action. That is going to be in your own best interest. So that is the plan for today. Just a quick invitation to come, if you haven't already, to come into our Facebook group and join us there, because what we're doing this month is kind of continuing this conversation about boundaries and each month going forward, we have monthly challenges that we do. You'll be able to get access to previous trainings and recordings that we've got and then, obviously, we can continue this conversation in a more I don't know interactive way, because I can actually hear you or read your comments, engage with you, all of that fun stuff. So the link for the Facebook group is in the show notes, but you can also find it by searching "time management for the busy SLP New name, by the way. So check it out. Okay.
Theresa Harp:3:51
So let's talk about how you know when you need to set a boundary. Maybe if there is no boundary that exists, or there's a boundary that maybe just isn't being, I don't know, exercised may be that's not the right word-- enforced, maintained, you get the idea. So I'm going to give you about five or six indicators of when a boundary is needed. Okay, the first one and these are all, I should add, these are all things that these are all indicators that I came up with because I experienced them myself. They are all things that I have experienced. Do experience, continue to experience. You know all of that. So this is shared with love and with personal camaraderie, I guess you could say. So.
Theresa Harp:4:46
The first one the first way that you know that you need a boundary for yourself is when you are engaging in what I would call self-sabotaging behavior, and that term, self-sabotaging behavior, could mean a variety of things that's going to look different for every person and, you know, someone's definition or degree of self-sabotaging behavior may be different than someone else's, but you get to decide this. So I know, for me, I noticed that some of the self-sabotaging behavior I would do would be things like avoiding doing work. If there was something that had to get done on my to-do list, I would avoid doing it by scrolling. Usually it's scrolling, or it is what I call productive procrastination, but really isn't all that necessary. So you know, this is like when you go and clean your apartment or your house before you've got a really big project or really big you know thing that you're working on, whatever, or I would, you know, decide that I need to rearrange the coat closet and take everything out and purge and reorganize and all of that. It feels productive, but it's really self-sabotaging because it's just eating away at my time from the thing that I do need to be focused on, which is not cleaning out my closet, right? So, engaging in self-sabotaging behavior lots of different. You know activities that are self-sabotaging, and I should add, too, that what's self-sabotaging for one person might not be self-sabotaging for another person, right? So you have to really think about what that means for you and identify what are the things that you do to self-sabotage okay.
Theresa Harp:6:42
Another indicator that you need to boundary with yourself is that you're feeling mentally stressed, anxious, overwhelmed, resentful. These are sort of the emotions that we feel that we would describe as negative Emotions that just don't feel good. Quite frankly, where we're just feeling like there's you know, there's when you think about the tasks that have to get done. You're really stressed, or you engage in activities that create those feelings, that result in those feelings, or you don't engage in activities and the result is then you're anxious or overwhelmed or resentful. So, just pausing and being really clear on what emotion or emotions am I feeling right now? And this is easier for some people than others.
Theresa Harp:7:42
I know for me, when I first started coaching, I had to go to the, to the wheel of emotions and look at all of the different emotions that exist. And you know, I think most of us think about four emotions happy, sad, angry, and I don't know what would the fourth emotion be? I don't even know, maybe three. We think about three emotions. There's usually like three or four kind of general emotions that we think of, but there are so many more nuanced emotions that we experience and so being aware of what those are for you and when you feel them like, what are you feeling and when are you feeling it?
Theresa Harp:8:29
Because sometimes as busy moms, as busy SLPs we're, so we're in such a rush, we're on the go, we're not even tuned in to what we're feeling or how we're feeling and what we're thinking, that we might not have even been, we might not even be clocking these things, even though we're feeling them. So the first kind of piece of this is to pause and check in with yourself and recognize how you're feeling and when you see these patterns or these persistent feelings it can not always, but it can be an indicator that there is a boundary that does not exist, that needs to be in place and then sort of piggybacking off of that, not just those emotional feelings that we have, but the physical feelings as well, and these two are often tied together the emotional, the emotions, and then the feelings in your body. But also I'm talking about when you're feeling physically drained, when you're feeling exhausted, when you're feeling ill, when you feel you know you've got chronic headaches or migraines or stomach aches or you're just feeling out of sorts Like I was talking. I was talking to a friend recently and I was saying how we had had one late night with the kids and the next it took me two days basically to recover from that long day and that late night and it felt I felt hungover. That's basically what it felt like I wasn't. I didn't drink to be hungover, but I physically felt like I had a hangover because I was just so exhausted. That was an indicator. I mean, at that point it was a little bit too late, but that was an indicator that I had crossed a boundary and I was feeling the impact of that for not just one but unfortunately for two days, which is really sad. I think also that just happens as you get older. But I digress, okay. So Engaging in self-sabotaging behavior, feeling mentally stressed, overwhelmed, resentful insert whatever word there. Feeling physically exhausted, ill drained insert whatever word applies.
Theresa Harp:10:58
Then the fourth indicator that you need a boundary for yourself in some area of your life is these what I call frequently occurring negative thoughts, or font, I guess, if you like a good acronym, acronym frequently occurring negative thoughts. So these are those thoughts that pop into your brain almost on repeat or auto play. It's like it's gonna look different for every person, but for me it's like I'm so tired. I'm constantly. You know, I'm often thinking that I'm so tired. Oh gosh, I'm so tired. Oh, I just need to catch up on my sleep. Oh, this will be easier after a good night's sleep, or it might be. I Don't experience this one as much, although sometimes I still do. I used to experience it more. Why am I always behind on my work? I'm so far behind. Oh, I have so much to do. I have so much to get done. I'm never gonna get this all done right. There's so many frequently occurring negative thoughts Too many to list as examples but you need to check in with yourself and be aware of those thoughts that are floating through your brain, and we're not paying attention to all of them per se, but we are looking for the patterns of those thoughts, because I would venture to say that if you are noticing One or two or three frequently occurring negative thoughts for yourself, they're probably related to a missing boundary, to something that is not in place, that needs to be in place, to To change those thoughts, to help change those thoughts, so we can change our thoughts actively by doing thought work and trying to replace those thoughts with a more desirable or more positive thought, and we can change our thoughts by changing our circumstances, in my opinion and what I'm talking about right now is changing our circumstances so by establishing a boundary, we're changing the circumstances, okay, all right, the last two indicators that I have for you about when you need to set a boundary for yourself are breaking commitments to yourself and then going along with that not trusting yourself to do something that's in your best interest, or not trusting yourself to Not do something that is not in your best interest, okay, so let me explain what I mean by all of that.
Theresa Harp:13:41
When I say breaking commitments to yourself, I'm talking about the Sort of plans that you have or promises that you kind of make to yourself and say, oh okay, this week, for example, this week I'm gonna meal plan dinners, so that that you know we're not running into this issue of Everybody asking what's for dinner, not having anything ready when everyone's hungry, and then the whole Dinner time, nighttime routine just falls apart. Can you tell? I'm talking from personal experience, right? So that might be a commitment that I've made to myself, but full disclosure, it's one that I often break like a lot, so that is Something that I'll just be like, okay, yeah, that's not gonna happen today, it's the first thing that goes. So I set out with this sort of I don't know. I create a line in the sand and I'm like, okay, this is the week where I'm going to meal plan and everything's gonna be ready to go and this is gonna solve a lot of problems. But the week comes, dinner time comes and I haven't actually Done what I said I was gonna do.
Theresa Harp:14:54
Okay, and going along with that, like I said, not trusting yourself. So I know that I have a very low level of trust, relatively speaking, in my ability to meal plan. Then I do in other areas. So I have a higher level of trust, say, in my ability to Get up early, before the kids are up, and go do a workout or spend some time on my own. I feel pretty confident in in my ability to do that, but I don't feel confident in my ability to keep my commitment to meal planning.
Theresa Harp:15:38
So, recognizing those areas, those things that you Set out to do or you set out not to do, if it's something negative Like, for example, I'm not gonna buy, I'm on, I'm on a meal kick now, I'm on a food kick, I'm not gonna buy. You know a certain I'm not gonna let's say I'm not gonna order out this week. Okay, so, just an action that you are going to take, I'm gonna meal plan, or an action that you're not going to take, I'm not gonna order, take out this week. When you think about that, when you have those thoughts in your head, when you kind of like make that plan with yourself or that deal with yourself, then the thought, whether you realize it or not, if the next thought is, oh yeah, well, we all know that's not gonna happen or that's probably not gonna, it's probably not gonna happen, right, then you recognize, or then you can recognize, that that is an area where a boundary May be needed. So I know for me, I'm gonna talk with you about boundaries that I have set for myself that have been helpful and successful for me.
Theresa Harp:16:48
But I also know that there are areas that I haven't set boundaries and I probably, if I did set a boundary in those areas, it would solve some of my Problems not all of my problems, but it would solve some of my problems when it comes to those specific tasks or routines Okay, meal planning being one of them I was thinking about this earlier. Also, shopping online shopping that's another one where I don't have a boundary and I really, probably, should set one in place. So you know, the purpose of this episode is not to make you think that you, not to shame you Into having boundaries, and it's not to make you feel guilty for not having boundaries. You, quite frankly, can't have a boundary for every Area. I don't believe, right. You can't have a boundary for every single thing in life when you think you might need one, because we are humans, we're not robots. That's just not realistic.
Theresa Harp:17:55
But I do think that this exercise can be valuable because it can help you choose Some areas where you want to enforce a boundary, choose a boundary right, and then, if you're deciding that you're gonna add something on, add a new boundary, then maybe you Look at what else is on your plate. Is there something I can take off? Is there something I can not worry about or not focus on as much to allow space and energy For this boundary that I'm considering adding? And I want you to keep that in mind as you hear about the boundaries that I'm gonna share with you and then at the end of Today's episode I'm gonna talk with you about I'm gonna give you some questions to reflect on, to encourage you to identify what boundaries you might want to set, but I want you to keep this piece of the podcast in mind that we're not I'm not telling you that you need to set a thousand boundaries. That's just not realistic. This is all about finding what works for you and taking on the amount of effort and energy and focus that you want to take on when it comes to this particular topic. Okay, all right. So those are key indicators that you need a boundary for yourself.
Theresa Harp:19:10
Now I'm going to talk about some of the boundaries that I've set for myself in my personal life and in my work life, in my house, that have helped me, but before I do that, I feel like I need to say I think I think you know this, but I feel like I have to say it anyway I definitely do not have this all figured out.
Theresa Harp:19:34
As I just shared, there are areas where I don't have boundaries and I really would benefit from creating some, and the boundaries that I'm sharing with you are not things that I do all the time. They're not things that I do perfectly. They're just things that I have done in the past or I do currently that have helped me and I'm sharing them in the hopes that some of them, even just one of them, will help you. Okay, so when it comes to tasks in my work, I have a couple of boundaries, I'd say two or three boundaries that I have set for myself that have helped me to get things done faster and to be more focused and intentional with how I'm spending my time. So the first boundary that I have is deciding what are my working hours and I've talked about this in a couple of recent episodes, but deciding what hours, which days of the week and what hours of the day am I working, and just designating that and literally creating the boundary in my planner, which you know I do it in writing or electronically. It's going to look a little bit different depending upon what tasks I'm talking about, but in some way I can physically see that boundary blocked off on the calendar or blocked off on a piece of paper.
Theresa Harp:21:02
Okay, so, having my start and end times for work for those of you, if you are an employee somewhere, then this probably doesn't apply to you, because you're probably told what your work hours are, but for most of you who are listening, I know that you are self employed, your business owners or your contractors, and so you get to decide when you're working, which can be a blessing and a curse, right? So not only deciding what the work hours are, but also designating an amount of time that a task is going to take me. So, instead of saying I have to write an evaluation report, let me sit down and do that. I would say, okay, I have an hour to write this evaluation report. Or I don't write evaluation reports currently, but for me, podcasting is a good example. So, deciding I'm going to do a podcast episode, it's going to take me one hour, I'm allowing myself 60 minutes to record the episode, to upload it, to edit, you know, do show notes, titles, all that stuff, right, that way.
Theresa Harp:22:19
Well, I should say, when I didn't have this boundary in place, or when I don't have this boundary in place, I will just work on something for as long as I have available for the amount of time that that is there, not necessarily the amount of time that I should be focusing on that particular task. So it can easily mean that different tasks are bleeding into one another, or I'm spending, you know, two hours on a podcast episode, and then that only leaves me with 30 minutes for the other things that I have to get on in my workday. Okay, so that's kind of like self sabotaging. That's what would happen if I didn't have that start and end time for the task itself. And then the third boundary that I have and this is one that I often go against I guess you could say, or I I it's a little bit looser than it probably should be.
Theresa Harp:23:20
I don't enforce it as much as would be helpful for me and that is establishing a due date that is significantly earlier than the actual due date. So I'm talking to the two you all procrastinators out there to all of the procrastinators out there who know that if something is due at 5pm on Tuesday, that it will be 445 and you will be still working on that task. Maybe you won't be starting it until 4pm on Tuesday, right, and that's not always a problem. I've talked about this on past episodes. That's not always a problem, but sometimes, many times, it is. So I often have to set due dates that are well in advance of the actual due date, or else I'll be right up against the clock, or if there's no negative consequence for me handing it in late, I might hand it in late, and sometimes that's a problem. Sometimes that's not a problem, right?
Theresa Harp:24:28
I also have to do this in my personal life. So when it comes to picking up my kids, for example, I have to set I have already preset in my Google Calendar, which is primarily what I use I have alerts or notifications for pickup times for when I have to go, and they are scheduled automatically in my calendar and they pop off or they kind of notify me, buzz off, whatever, what is the word. I can even think ding, ding. You know, I hear the noise or I see the. I don't usually have sounds on my phone, but I can see the notification. That's the word the notification pop up in advance of when I actually have to leave because I procrastinate. So, for example, in about 15 minutes I will be getting that notification on my phone that I have to go pick up my kids and really I don't have to do that until about 30 minutes from now. But I have that notification come a little bit earlier because I know that I'll push against it. I'll go against it, okay. So those are a few boundaries that I have set in place when it comes to tasks for work.
Theresa Harp:25:45
I also have boundaries when it comes to distractions for work and with my kids. You know distractions from my kids as well. So I know that I will mindlessly scroll and I will pick up my phone and, you know, say I'll have to look for this thing or have to go do this thing, right? So sometimes it's social media, sometimes it's not, but those are distractors, they are things that keep me from doing what it is that I actually want or need to be doing. So I've set boundaries in my, in my phone, and I've done this before on my desktop as well. I don't have it currently set that way, but I've set social media limits and screen time limits on both devices my phone and my laptop because I know that if they are not there, I will self-sabotage, I'll start scrolling and I'll be distracted. I also have to do this. Sometimes I have to do this by simply either turning off my phone, setting it to airplane mode, moving it to another room, really anything, because sometimes I'll have it off, or I'll have it on airplane mode and I will just instinctively pick it up and try to look at it, and that is habitual and it interrupts my flow. So sometimes it's like all right, it's got to be in the other room, that's it Right. I do that when I'm with, when I have my kids at home too. I try don't always, but I try to keep a boundary of having my phone in another room when I'm spending time with them. Doesn't always work, but it is. It's a work in progress, let's put it that way. Okay, so that's for distractions at work.
Theresa Harp:27:39
When it comes to my personal life, I have some boundaries that I've kind of put in place through trial and error or through experience, through, you know, learning of when it comes to I'm trying to think of ones that I've, that I've got. So sleep is one for me. I know that I need a certain amount of sleep every night and I this is a boundary that I break often. Full disclosure, but I try to have. I do have a notification on my phone that's about a half hour before I want to start winding down, so that notification will will pop up and will let me know that it's time to kind of shut down for the night.
Theresa Harp:28:36
I try to be in bed by a certain time every night. It does not always work. In fact, over the past several months this has been really really hard for me, mostly because, you know, while my husband's away, things are just challenging and different. So this is definitely something that I have to continuously work on, but a couple of things that I've done to help me, in addition to those notifications that I mentioned, are not having my phone next to my bed, so I will sleep with my phone across the room. I use my phone for my alarm, but when it's next to my bed I will mindlessly scroll. It will keep me up later than I want to be awake, and it will also be easier for me to hit snooze in the morning because the phone's right there and I can just tap it and roll over, whereas when it's across the room, I have to actually get out of bed and turn it off, and then, once I'm up, I'm like all right, well, I'm just going to stay vertical and we're going to keep going Right, and this is a strategy or a boundary that I've established to help me Make sure that then I have my time to myself in the morning, which is something that I most definitely need. That is a boundary that I have set is that before my kids wake up, I'm up doing whatever it is that I want to do. Usually it's a workout or something else, maybe catching up on work, or sometimes it's just scrolling and reading posts or reading articles or whatever. But it's my time, which I love. That's a boundary, okay.
Theresa Harp:30:21
A couple of other things that I have done with in terms of my time is this isn't a firm boundary, but it is something that I've noticed is that I need to build in time to be alone or to have just kind of quiet, which is a very important thing. I'm lucky right now my kids are in summer camp, so there is opportunity for that to happen. I know that I'm lucky. I was not always that way, and so right now we're in a stage where they are out of the house for quite a bit of time every day, but that is not going to last forever and that's not really the norm per se, but I take advantage of it when I can and I build that time in. I take that time for myself because I know that, especially for things that I'm doing that are more social or engaging, where I have to sort of be on, I think I'm more of an introvert, and so I need, if I'm doing something that's more extroverted, I need to build that time, either before or after, where I can have that quiet and have that opportunity to decompress. It's something that is really helpful and really important for me or to me. So it's something that I've learned through experience. Doesn't always work out that way, but it is something that I try to establish and then I'm going to be able to do that. Doesn't always work out that way, but it is something that I try to establish.
Theresa Harp:31:59
And then I'll also ask myself this question, which I encourage my coaching clients to ask themselves as well, which is what do I need right now? And then listening to that and really just pausing for a moment and checking in with myself and asking myself what is it that I need? Sometimes it's a two minute meditation or five minute meditation. Sometimes it's stepping outside and having my face in the sun. Sometimes it's watching a show, like a mindless episode of something. Right, it's going to look different. Every often when I ask that question, the answer is going to look different, right, but it's a really useful question to ask.
Theresa Harp:32:43
Okay, so that's my personal life, and I guess there's one more when it comes to this, and that is and this this qualifies for both personal and work-related, and that is a boundary on what I say yes to. So, for me, if I'm very mindful, I'm very intentional about the things that I say yes to. For the most part, you know, I try to be. There's definitely times where I'm less mindful about it than others, but I've learned over time, no pun intended. I've learned that I need to be really intentional about the things that I commit to, the things that I say yes to, because we only have so much time and you get to decide. You get to decide how you want to spend it, I get to decide how I want to spend it. So, being really clear on how I want to spend it, being really clear on what I want to say yes to and what I'm gonna say no to, is a very helpful boundary to keep in place, both when it comes to what I'm spending my time on at work and what I'm spending my time on at home and with you know, my family.
Theresa Harp:33:59
And speaking of the home, there's lots of boundaries that I've set in place in my house, but I'd say the biggest one that's been helpful for me is reducing clutter, and so what that looks like in terms of a boundary is deciding what I'm going to allow to take up space. Like, what am I allowing to take up space in the house? Not counting children I can't really control the kids taking up space but things like you know, the stuff that kids bring home clothing, toys, like just little knickknacks, things like that, right, because I know for me the clutter that visual clutter results in oftentimes mental clutter. So, just having those boundaries of what I am going to have in the house, what I'm going to keep in the house and this certainly is easier to do sometimes than others, but when I notice that it's slipping, I'll just kind of do a quick purge or a quick declutter of a certain area and that automatically helps me to feel like I have a greater sense of control and reduce some of the anxiety. So that is a household boundary. There's lots of other ones, but I would say that's probably the one that has created the biggest change, made the biggest difference in terms of my ability to feel calm and my ability to feel focused, which is so important when I'm working from home.
Theresa Harp:35:42
Okay, so those are some examples of boundaries that you can set for yourself and, like I said before, I definitely don't have this all figured out. I'm not trying to, I'm not, like you know, trying to make it seem like I do. It is absolutely a work in progress, but what I would encourage you to do, I said towards the beginning of this episode that I would have some kind of final thoughts and questions for you to ask yourself. I'm gonna share those questions with you in a moment, but I do just want to mention as well that be aware of rebel tendencies, if you will. So you know there's.
Theresa Harp:36:26
We all, I think, experienced this in different ways, but when some of us more than others, sometimes when a boundary is in place, we feel more tension and then we want to go against the grain, right, and so if this is you be aware of this and you have to do what works for you, absolutely. This is not me saying that these are the answers for everyone and this is what you have to do. Definitely not. I know that. Even for myself, sometimes there are things that if I put a boundary in place, it's going to actually be detrimental. So I don't do it right. So you have to kind of think about what that looks like for you, and if this is something that you think you might it might backfire for you, then by all means, don't worry about it. Okay, be aware of that.
Theresa Harp:37:18
And then the other thing that I want to say and I've kind of alluded to this throughout the podcast episode is just, I think it's important to reiterate that by having boundaries with ourselves, not just with others, which is what we all think about, I think, when, when we're talking about boundaries, but by having boundaries with yourself, you can ultimately spend more time doing the things that you love, and spend your time more intentionally right and even believe it or not, have more free time by having those boundaries in place. So I invite you to think about what would it look like if you had a boundary in a certain area, and go back to those indicators at the beginning of this episode. Think about those indicators and ask yourself these questions what boundaries do you currently have in place for yourself? So, identify what boundaries are in place and then, what areas of your life do you think you need to establish a boundary in right? Think about the indicators. Like I said, what is one boundary with yourself that you want to start implementing this week? That's really the final question that I want you to ask yourself what is one boundary? Not five, not ten, just one.
Theresa Harp:38:51
What is one boundary with yourself that you want to start implementing this week and then come over into the Facebook group. Share it in the group. We can help hold you accountable, we can encourage you, we can give you strategies and resources, but it's really meant to be another way to increase your ability to make these changes, to enforce these boundaries, to be able to make the most of your time. Okay, so if you haven't joined yet, click the link in the show notes and get in there so that we can continue the conversation and then, like I said, you'll get access to past trainings and future trainings and challenges that are coming up and all sorts of resources related to time management for busy women, for busy moms and for busy SLPs. Alright, I hope this was helpful. Would love to hear what you think. Pop over into the Facebook group, like I said, share your thoughts and I will see you all next week for another episode. Bye.
*Please note that this transcript was generated by AI and may contain errors.